My internet love story

Warning: This is a LONG post (perhaps one to be read over several sittings)—I had originally thought to split it into several posts, but decided to keep as one. Proceed with caution!

A year ago I did something I never thought I would do—I took a risk, stepped out on a ledge, and went flying without a safety net.

A year ago I joined an online dating website called eHarmony (eH).

For several years, both good friends and my loving family had encouraged me to give online dating a try. Despite the tales of positive experiences and personal “success” (marriage) stories, I didn’t think it was for me. Honestly, it just seemed too…formulated, desperate, and doubting of God’s plan for my life. (And also a little scary!)

But a year ago, on Labor Day weekend, I somehow found myself with some time, and I decided to sit down and complete the eH questionnaire (it included 488 questions—no exaggeration). I’m not sure what the trigger was—perhaps the recent news of another friend getting engaged? Or hearing that several friends who had small children were planning to leave their careers to be stay-at-home moms? Or, maybe it was just one family gathering too many where I was the only single person (above the age of 7) in attendance?

Don’t get me wrong—I loved my single life and the freedom it entailed, but a year ago I think I started feeling like maybe there was a little something missing, and maybe there was a little something that I could be actively doing about it.

It happened to be a “free communication” weekend when I joined (they do those every so often to pull people in), so I didn’t have to pay immediately. After a few days I decided that if I really wanted to commit to this, that I would need to commit, really commit. And thus I found myself paying for a year-long membership. I think I thought that would somehow take a bit of the “pressure” off—which it did—a year allowed me time to make mistakes, take some risks, and discover that I’m more comfortable and confident in myself than I realized.

I joined eH with low expectations, and I actually think this helped me have the positive experience that I did. The process seemed too clinical to be romantic, and too random to be any kind of magic wand. And though in the beginning I was dubious about the eH system, they make it very easy, very positive, and very safe. You’re automatically “matched” with people according to the responses on their exhaustive questionnaire. You can set certain parameters to your matches, such as geographic location, age, level of education, drinking/smoking frequency, kids/no kids, race, religion, etc. Then, once you’re matched with someone, you can review their basic profile and decide if you want to start “communicating” with them (or if you want to “close” the match without communicating at all).

There are four steps to the eH “guided” communication process:

1) Multiple choice questions (chosen from a list provided by eH)

2) Sharing “must haves” and “can’t stands” (again, chosen from lists provided by eH and along the lines of, “I must have someone who is kind, has a sense of humor, can communicative, is patient,” or, “I can’t stand someone who is mean-spirited, or a gambler”)

3) Short answer questions (chosen from a list provided by eH or you can submit your own question)—this includes everything from “what is the one dream you have for your life that you wish to come true,” or “describe your spirituality,” or “describe your personal style” (my least favorite question!)

4) Open communication (exchanging emails within the eH system)

During the first several months I was shy, tentative, and overwhelmed with the process and the time commitment. Before I knew it, I’d been provided with over 100 matches to review (I was originally open to being matched with guys from across the country). In the beginning I highly underestimated the time commitment involved with establishing online relationships (I’ve gotten a bit better at this!). Reviewing matches takes time, each step of communication takes time, trying to remember what you’ve told to who during open communication (step 4) takes time. Spending time in prayer, convincing yourself that you’re not going insane, takes time. Lots of time involved here—but there was always lots of laughter too.

eH recommends that you stay open-minded and start communicating with everyone. I definitely think being open-minded is good (certainly I expect that of others), but eventually you have to institute some parameters to separate the wheat from the chaff. I definitely wasn’t a perfect online dater, but I did try to have fun and be open to new experiences. Sometimes I didn’t check my account for weeks at a time. And it took me months to realize that I should narrow my search to local people—that I really wasn’t interested (at this point) in flying somewhere to meet someone. Plus, it took me several months to figure out that if I wanted something to happen to meet someone face-to-face, that I most likely needed to initiate it. So, for those matches that lived in the valley, and that were in step 4-open communication, I started suggesting lunch or meeting for coffee. And that’s how my “first dates” happened. Guess I’m a 21^st century gal—this isn’t something I necessarily prefer, just the way things worked out.

I went on some good dates (checked off #37 from my 101 list)—“good” in the respect that the guys were nice, we had some fun, and I arrived home intact and realizing that I can actually date (or rather, I am date-able). Someone once said online dating is “reverse dating”—meaning you often know lots of the details of someone’s life before you even meet in person—this is pretty true, and can make things both more, or less, comfortable. My dates, though good, did not turn into lasting relationships—and the old saying is right: breaking up IS HARD to do (especially when you’re the one doing the “breaking”)!

I grew tremendously through this process, and also learned a lot by reading the book called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud (author of the Boundaries books). I had never heard of this book until I saw it mentioned on the profile of one of my eH matches, but reading it last fall caused a significant shift in my view on dating (which was mostly developed by a book I read as a teenager called I Kissed Dating Goodbye). Part of the shift was the idea of dating for fun--to learn more about yourself, and more of what you're looking for in a possible mate. I highly recommend this book to anyone who's looking to date, or has struggled with dating (and I've already shared copies with several friends!).

Just to clear up any confusion--yes, I want to fall in love, get married, and have children. I see the joys (and trials!) that friends, cousins and siblings have found in marriage and family—of course I would love to have that experience for myself. But, even without those things, I am incredibly, incredibly blessed, and I have so many people that I can share my love with. Most importantly, I know the Lord has me firmly in the palm of His hand (Jeremiah 29:11), that He has a plan for my life, and that I can be content whether or not that plan includes marriage.

There’s no need to feel sorry for me, or for other single people. I know many women who are smart, beautiful, and single. Their experiences, literally, span the globe, where they work as teachers, journalists, missionaries, corporate executives, etc. Their singleness doesn’t define who they are, or diminish their life accomplishments. They embrace life and know the One who is the source of true happiness.

A year in, this was a great experience for me--I'm not married, engaged, or in a serious relationship, but I got out of my own way, and tried something new. I don’t regret not trying it earlier—I think the timing was perfect and I think the nudging a year ago was by the Lord’s hand. And, I’m thankful to be surrounded by friends and family who, during the past year, loved me, laughed with me, and encouraged me.

My own personal desire is to live a life of purpose and meaning—and that can look like a lot of different things. Right now that means being the best daughter, sister, auntie, niece, granddaughter, friend, employee, colleague, etc., I can be. I’m certainly not perfect in any of those roles, but I love that I get to be all those things to all those people—and for me, right now, that is enough.

So, did I cancel my membership? I was planning to—I decided a year was enough and I was ready to try something different. But then I was matched with a local guy who said this in his profile:

There are a lot of fish in the pond, but I feel I have a ton to offer. I come from a very good family and am very happy and content with my life. I'm blessed to have great health, an awesome job, and a nice home. I'm just looking for that special someone to make it all that much better.

He initiated communication with me first, and though we’re still in the early, early, early stages, I felt there was some potential there—enough potential to keep my membership active for another month—just to see what happens!

(Not to say that I’m not open to blind dates, or other dating suggestions…if you have a neighbor, colleague, friend, barista, etc. that you’d like to send my way, bring ‘em on!)

Some of the ones that could have been…

“Justin” from Anchorage, Alaska—What attracted me to Justin? 1) one of the recent books he had read was Watership Down (don’t ask), 2) his work takes him out of town every two weeks (I like me some personal time), and 3) I thought he was cute. But after getting through the first three stages of communication, Justin closed me on the final stage, saying I had “never responded.” Huh? Uh, yea, I was waiting for you to write the first “open communication” email…

“Kevin” from Grand Junction, Colorado—I went to high school and college in Grand Junction so that city is filled with fond memories and old friends. Kevin was the one and only person I Google-stalked—he listed his occupation as “entrepreneur” (which some men use as code for “currently unemployed”) but one of his photos had him in a Chick-Fil-A shirt…using the world-wide-web and my mad research skills, I discovered he’s the manager of the Chick-Fil-A in town. I LOVE that place! However, after I initiated the first stage of communication, Kevin closed our match, with the response that he was “currently pursuing a relationship.” Good for him, bummer for me.

“Robert” from Orange City, Iowa—One of my very first matches, and the first to get through all four stages of communication, was Robert. Robert was a Spanish teacher in Iowa, who grew up on a farm, and built homes in his spare time. Robert and I communicated for a time, but then Robert discontinued his membership with eH, and suddenly that was the end of that.

Some of the ones I stopped before they had a chance to get started…

“Patrick” described his occupation as a "CEO", though his profile later said he was really a "self-employed entrepreneur" who moonlights as a fitness model for men's fitness magazines. Sounds like the perfect guy, right? Until this statement came along on his profile: “I do not like waiting for anything. I prefer immediate first class service.”

Then there was “Jason,” who, once we were in open communication, asked me, “What influenced you to pursue a career in journalism, I mean besides having a face for television?” This was back when I had my occupation listed as a “Journalism Grant Manager”—which I shortly changed since many people seemed to think I was a journalist—which I had to nip right in the bud!

One of my favorites was “James” who listed his occupation as 'Costco Shopper' and who typically spends his leisure time “squeezing twinkies at grocery stores.” James says the first thing you'll probably notice when first meeting him is "what the he@# is that smell?!"

“Dave,” age 32, an audio visual manager, from Tucson, AZ, says the one thing he wishes more people would notice about him is: “My amazing thigh muscles. Seriously, they're amazing. I've been cycling for years, but you just can't see legs through pants, or even the long shorts I wear. I wish I could show them off more, but I'm just so pale. Gotta work on that. Seriously though...I wish people would notice my hair follicles. Completely awesome! I've been using Pantine Pro V for 10 years, and my follicles would be on the cover of Men's Health if anyone could see them. The greatest compliment anyone can say to me is, "Dude...those follicles are insane. How did you develop those?" I could totally be a Pantine spokesperson.” Dave also says the first thing people notice about him is: “My aurora. It's not an appearance thing, though. People just feel it. Monks and nuns have been trying to get me to pose so they can paint me. I just don't have the time. The Catholic Church has been trying to saint me for years. I keep telling them I'm non-denominational. They just won't leave me alone.”

See what I mean about this process being fun/funny?!?

“Edward,” age 41, a scientist/entrepreneur from Irvine, CA….Edward (who I like to call “Eddie” because I think it’s funny) and I were matched during my first week on eH. And he’s my only match that I’m still in contact with from those early days. I definitely don’t feel any chemistry with Eddie, but he does crack me up (as in, who does this guy think he is?!). Eddie comes to Phoenix a few times a year, but we haven’t been able to connect in person (mostly my fault). And, though he’s invited me to come to California several times, I continue to decline. I think the email below says it all (a little background—he had asked a question about three annoying habits I have—I listed one as being a bit crabby before I’ve had my morning coffee. The work trip he mentions was last fall when I was in LA—an opportunity for he and I to meet in person that I just wasn’t ready for, but turns out he was in Phoenix around the same time)—it’s hard to believe that Eddie hasn’t found his “soul mate” yet…

The subject line of Eddie’s email: Lucy Van Pelt, is that you?? [I had to Wikipedia this, but he’s referring to “Lucy” from the Peanuts cartoon]
Message: You know... CRABBY! ;) OK, OK, it's only before your coffee... but beware to the poor unsuspecting soul who dares to rouse you at the crack of dawn... or before dawn. ;) Well, it's been fun getting to know you Kristi, albeit a bit glacierly. Ha! I was a bit disappointed not catching you last week, but it was probably for the best since I was running left and right the whole time in your neck of the woods. I hope you had a lovely trip for work and got all that you needed done. Where did you go? Anywhere nice, do tell? I see that you had a very interesting path to your current job/career. It goes to show one never knows what God has in store for us. So, I'm really glad that He has blessed you with a job that you love... minus the politics, of course. LOL But, politics is a fact of life in almost everything. Heck, even relationships involve some politics. And women are indeed the master of relationship politics, no doubt. Otherwise, how do they get us poor men to take out the trash?!??

I let Eddie know that the only person other than me that takes out my trash is my dad. I neglected to mention that referring to someone as “glacierly” really can only be taken one way (and is that really a word?!).

Some things I discovered I don't like...

• Men who don't believe in using punctuation, or correct spelling
• Men who wear lots of jewelry
• Men who overuse text language in emails
• Never-ending small talk via email or the phone
• Having the "you're a really great guy, but…” talk